Hello to all my wonderful World Outside our Window Subscribers!
Lost in the humdrum of an already chaotic year is the need for more children’s entertainment. As media companies continue to consolidate — and AI algorithms push unvarnished slop at the youngest of internet users — the quality and quantity of children’s programming has gone downhill. That’s why I was happy to see that Bari Weiss, in her new position as Editor-in-Chief of Vichy CBS News, made the difficult but necessary decision to retool the primetime Evening Newscast, once anchored by such greats as Walter Cronkite and Dan Rather, into something more suitable for the pre-K crowd.
With the pick of host Tony Dokoupil, Weiss signaled her belief that anyone, no matter how dim or unqualified they may be, has the chance for promotion in corporate America. As the job market continues to worsen and technological advancements erase entire industries, children can look to Dokoupil as an inspiring figure, safe in the knowledge that no matter what the future holds, there will always be an economic benefit to cravenly selling out. Dokoupil, who previously made a name for himself by accusing Ta-Nehisi Coates, the National Book Award-winning author of Between the World and Me, of being a terrorist live on air, started his tenure out strong: responding to a random Instagram comment with a “promise [that] we’ll be more accountable and more transparent than Cronkite or anyone else of his era.” Not to be outdone, he also released a pre-broadcast video stating his desire to no longer rely on the analysis of experts in any given field, but rather the opinions of “the Average American.” For the three-year-old audience — just beginning to talk and form sentences — never before has a figure of such authority promised their viewpoint would hold so much weight.
In a courageous display of flexibility, Dokoupil was able to start his hosting duties two days early, after the United States illegally invaded a sovereign nation and kidnapped its President. In an almost 45-minute interview with Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth last Saturday, Dokoupil educated his pre-pubescent audience on the importance of listening to — and never questioning — people of authority. With the credulity of a newly born infant, or perhaps a small, overly obedient dog, Dokoupil respectfully took in the Secretary’s talking points, taking great care not to interrupt, interrogate, or intimidate Hegseth in the slightest. Parents across the nation can rest easy knowing their children will no longer feel the desire to ask questions, or really emote at all, as Dokoupil’s shining example shapes a generation of toddlers.
Moving along to the “official” start of his tenure, Dokoupil showed great humility on last Monday’s broadcast after he struggled to read the teleprompter. Not faltering in what one must assume was an embarrassing moment, Dokoupil struggled through his transitions — one time introducing four stories at once, somehow — but apologized and chalked it up to “first day” troubles. While Dokoupil had of course hosted a news show before, and presumably can read a teleprompter (the only required skill for his chosen profession), the children of America will learn a priceless lesson about determination and grit.
In an attempt to get in touch with “true Americans,” last week’s show saw Dokoupil traveling the country, visiting a new city each night to meet the people where they are. In Florida, he received a three-minute tribute to his roots as a South Florida native — a gesture which made him cry live on air, teaching young viewers that when it comes to the news, it’s about personality, not reporting.
The Florida dispatch wasn’t complete without a “salute” to Secretary of State Marco Rubio, himself a Miami native, who received two minutes of coverage describing the many roles Rubio has taken on in the administration: Secretary of State, Acting Archivist of the United States, Administrator of USAID. Dokoupil told viewers that whatever their politics, they just had to salute the man. Additionally, a clip reel of AI-generated Marco Rubio memes was shown. While some children may question why Rubio holds so many positions simultaneously (could it be because his predecessors were illegally removed?), Weiss knows that what kids really want is to be entertained, not informed. When the Children’s Television Workshop first aired Sesame Street, many questioned if this radical new show would be entertaining enough for America’s youth. Weiss, some 50-odd years later, has her answer.
Signing off,
Max Bolen
Maybe another George Clooney op-ed will help?
P.S.: I wrote about CBS (and the decline of news) back in October as well. Check it out:
